Grace Upon Grace {Book Club, Part 6}

"My heart says to you, 'Your face, LORD, do I seek' (Psalm 27:8), but I'm desperate to grab someone, anyone, and shake hard, How do I have the holy vision in this mess? How do I see grace, give thanks, find joy in this sin-stinking place?" (page 125)

Ann Voskamp starts chapter 7 by describing the tension she feels when her sons are blatantly sinning against each other. As they are fighting, she is getting frustrated and feeling defeated she asks herself, "where did I go so wrong?" 

I could absolutely relate to this. There will be times where I will have a nice quiet morning before everyone wakes. I drink my coffee slowly. I read. I pray. And I journal. I feel equipped, and ready to begin the day. And then within a few hours of everyone awake, I can feel my neck stiffen and my patience drain out of me. Whiny kids fighting with each other over silly things, markers on chairs, the proverbial spilled milk — and I will just sometimes lose it. I will get angry and tell them to go play in their room. I don't want to have a teachable moment. I don't want to figure out whose toy it was in the first place. I want to just rip it from their hands and throw it in the trash. I will get frustrated with all the "stuff" we have and wonder why I don't just get rid of it all. And then I inevitably calm down and realize how immature I was just behaving. A wave of guilt will rush over me and I think back to the early morning hour and think, "Well, that 'quiet time' was a waist. A lot of good that did my attitude." I will feel defeated in those moments of not being the mom I know I can be. Crushed under the weight of my own guilt, under the weight of knowing I have to teach them but just not having the right heart in that moment.
This chapter offered some real insight into those hurtful cycles. Voskamp asks herself, "What compels me to name these moments upheavals and annoyances instead of grace and gift? Why deprive myself of joy's oxygen?" And the answer she said was swift—"Because you believe in the power of the pit" (page 125). This next paragraph got me. It got to my heart and tears flowed quickly. Because I knew what she was saying was right.

"Really? I lay my head on the table. Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love? That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry? Isn't it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want? When I choose—and it is a choice—to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness? Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective —more expedient—than giving thanks?"

I have been behaving poorly. Believing that getting angry with my kids will accomplish what I want is absurd. I am quick to react, quick to impatience, and quick to frustration. I am what the Proverbs clearly calls a fool. Ann's words hit hard. Do I really believe that anger achieves more than love? I must, since I am so quick to respond that way. I have to remember, constantly be reminded that I need a grateful heart. I am like a sheep, dumb and forgetful. I am so quick to forget that from His fullness, I have received blessing upon blessing, favor upon favor and gift upon gift. "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. And from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ." John 1:14, 16
 And John Piper says, in one of his sermons, "If you want to be really alert to seeing Jesus’ divine beauty, his glory—the spiritual brightness that sets him apart as self-evidently real and true—then make sure you tune your senses to see his grace. That’s what his glory is full of." God has been using this pressure-cooker of a life to make me more like his Son, tuning my heart to see His grace. And I am very aware that I need His grace every minute of every day.

Sandra McCracken's song, Grace Upon Grace from The Builder and The Architect album, has also helped me to remember. This song has helped me tunes my senses and has been a beautiful reminder of His grace in my life. It helps me to remain thankful, instead of ungracious and unkind. It reminds me of the gospel, the life-giving, life-altering gospel.


In every station, new trials and new troubles
Call for more grace than I can afford
Where can I go but to my dear Savior
For mercy that pours from boundless stores.

CHORUS:
Grace upon grace, every sin repaired
Every void restored, you will find Him there
In every turning He will prepare you
With grace upon grace.

He made a way for the fallen to rise
Perfect in glory and sacrifice
In sweet communion my need He supplies
He saves and keeps and guards my life

To Thee I run now with great expectation
To honor You with trust like a child
My hopes and desires seek a new destination
and all that You ask Your grace will provide.

What songs remind you of God's grace? Did you read Chapter 7 in Ann's book? What lessons did you learn?


~cheryl~

Thrash for Joy {Book Club, Part 5}

Chapter 5 in Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts

"I know all our days are struggle and warfare and that the spirit-to-spirit combat I endlessly wage with Satan is this ferocious thrash for joy" (page 90).

Thrash for joy. Isn't that what this life is about? Whether you're a believer or not, we all want to be happy. We all fight for things that bring us the most joy. And as a Christ follower, we know that our ultimate joy is found in Him. Finding joy in this life is a fight to see God in all things. It's a fight to know Him more and to see His hand — both in the beautiful and in the ugly.If I struggle to see God's gifts—His grace—in the mundane and ordinary, if I don't train and strain my eyes to see the grace in the day to day, then I will have a difficult time seeing His hand in the deplorable and hard-to-swallow places of this world. "The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!" (Matthew 6:22-23).Isn't it about perspective? How do I see with the eyes of my heart? If I train my heart-eyes to see God's blessing in the laundry, the dirty dishes and diapers, then thanking Him for the simple, and the routine of life, will strengthen my heart. I have been going to a Boot Camp, for 3 days at 5am every morning. I am training for a marathon. Why? So that my body will learn, so that my muscles will grow strong and remember what they are capable of doing on the day of the race. Straining with my mind's eye to see God in the day to day trains my heart. Seeing the world through the lens of His Word, trains my mind to trust Him in all things. It helps my heart to remember what He has done, Who He is, and what He is capable of doing. So that when I am confronted with the hard parts of life, my heart and mind will remember.

"And the more blessings I name, this theological problem deepens. . . . Do I believe in a God who rouses Himself just now and then to spill a bit of benevolence on hemorrhaging humanity? A God who breaks through the carapace of this orb only now and then, surprises us with a spared hand, a reprieve from sickness, a good job and a nice house in the burbs — and then finds Himself again too impotent to deal with all I see as suffering and evil? A God of sporadic, random, splattering goodness — that now and then splatters across a gratitude journal? Somebody tell me: What are all the other moments?" (page 85-86)

Tough questions that we need to answer. The answers directly affect how we live out our faith. When the rubber hits the road, who do we really believe God is? Do we believe that He loves us? Do we believe He is fully in control? Or do we believe He is like a grandfather who is just watching us, unable to control what's happening in the world?

"In all unbelief there are these two things—a good opinion of one’s self and a bad opinion of God. Man’s good opinion of himself makes him think it quite possible to win God’s favor by his own religious performances; and his bad opinion of God makes him unwilling and afraid to put his case wholly into His hands." 

Horatius Bonar (1808 - 1889)

We need a right opinion of God to have joy in Him. We need to see that He is sovereign, that is the Almighty and have faith that He will set all things right. If we don't, we will be afraid to put ourselves wholly in His hands. If we don't, the blessings will be taken for granted and we will believe the lies that the Enemy wants us to believe - that He is withholding from us, that He is not good. If we don't thank Him for all things, then we will rob ourselves of joy. I know I need to be in His Word so that I can view the world through His lens. I will strain to see His goodness in the everyday so that I can see Him equally in the catastrophes. I will fight the good fight. I will choose to see Him in the ordinariness of life and consider it all joy.

Want to get caught up?
Part 1         Part 3

Part 2         Part 4

~cheryl~

 

Slowing Time Down {Book Club}

Lion's Bay, BC

"On every level of life, from housework to heights of prayer, in all judgment and efforts to get things done, hurry and impatience are sure marks of the amateur." 

- Evelyn Underhill

This quote, in Chapter 4 of One Thousand Gifts, stopped me dead in my tracks. This feeling to hurry up, to rush — why is that, I wonder? And "quick quick quick," I tell my kids —what is that all about? Always frazzled and rushing about, so that I can do what? Wake up in the morning so that I can do it all over again? That doesn't make much sense and definitely does not produce a God-glorifying attitude in my home. I am living like an amateur.

"I don't really want more time; I just want enough time. Time to breathe deep and time to see real and time to laugh long, time to give You glory and rest deep and sing joy and just enough time in a day not to feel hounded, pressed, driven, or wild to get it all done — yesterday" (One Thousand Gifts, page 67).

This has really gotten me thinking. I want to live intentionally. I want each day to be purposeful. Not busy, not wasted, not aimless. I want to breathe deep and really see. I want the day to be full of my attention and not distracted by "more." More stuff, more work, more stress. I recently mentioned that I am giving up magazine subscriptions because they distract me. Some times I pass one on the kitchen counter or on the couch end table, and I think "I really need to read through that to get ideas on how to change my house." Now, there is nothing harmful in that. Creating beauty and having a hospitable home that you are proud to share with others is a blessing. But in our culture, we are constantly told that we need more. More is better. And every year, we literally buy into the lie that we need new clothes, more things for our house, a new car, etc. In 2010, the self-storage industry in the United States had a collective $20+ billion in annual revenues, and Wall Street analysts consider the industry to be “recession resistant” based on its performance since the economic recession of September, 2008. What are we storing that is so important? As Americans, we keep buying more things because we believe we have to have new things to be happy. Once we buy a new item, we feel guilty about replacing the "old" item, so we just end up storing it, telling ourselves that maybe we'll use it one day. Now I recognize that this isn't always the case, but you get where I am going with this. More, more, more. A lie that the Church needs to stop buying into. That I need to stop buying into.

"Giving thanks for one thousand things is ultimately an invitation to slow time down with weight of full attention" (p. 69). 

Slowing down. Living fully present. Giving thanks for the simple, everyday gifts that God blesses me with. Enjoying what I have and not believing that I need more. These are ways to slow time down. Jesus tells us to not worry about tomorrow (Matt 6:34). Stop fretting and start seeing things for what they are — just things. Seeing people for their value in God's estimation, stopping long enough to look directly in my daughter's eyes when I answer her question, and thanking God while I wash the dishes — these all slow time down. These all help to not live a distracted life. I usually wash the dishes fretting about the hundred other things that I need to get done. But what would it look like for me to sing, pray, and thank the One who gave me to food to make the dishes dirty? It seems so simple. And it's not as if I have never heard this before. But now, here in this place and time, it reaches my heart. By God's grace, I can see that "Haste makes waste. Life is not an emergency. Life is brief and fleeting but it is not an emergency" (page 73). Slowing down and not running about as if the world was coming to an end gives God glory. Having a quiet strength, a calm heart and an ability to live fully aware and in the present — allows room for praise to bubble up and for Joy to take hold. "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come" (Proverbs 31:25). I want my life to be described as one who can laugh at what's to come and those are the type of clothes that I want to line the closet of my heart.


Are you reading along with me? What did you think of Chapter 4? What can you do to slow down?

~cheryl~


One Thousand Gifts Book Club
Part 1 
Part 2
Part 3

1.    

One Thousand Gifts Book Club (Part 3)

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." 

Philippians 4:4-6

Paul says everything. Not just the good things, not just the bad things. Not just the big things or even just the little things. He means even the mundane, seemingly insignificant things. In everything give thanks.

"And I see it now for what this really is, this dare to write down one thousand things I love. It really is a dare to name all the ways that God loves me. To move into His presence and listen to His love unending and know the grace uncontainable" (page 59). 

If you are reading Ann Voskamp's, One Thousand Gifts with me, then you know what she is referring to in the quote above — a challenge to write down 1000 gifts from the Lord. 
After reading Chapter 3, I wondered... Lord, what does this look like for me? Do you want me to write down 1000 things that I am thankful for? I want to change and I know it's going to take work. I want to be intentional, to live intentionally, to love intentionally. Like Erasmus said, "A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit." In your sovereignty, you have been pointing me there. To discipline. To change. To trust. To faith. To grace. Lord, show me what this looks like in our family. For me. I want to love Patrick better. I want to love my kids better. I want to be thankful for the whining and the messes. I want to teach my kids how to be thankful — and I need to model it for them. I want to love deeply. O, my word. That's it... LOVE. I have been thinking that I needed to serve more; to sacrifice more. But when really all along I have been needing to love from deep within. From a love that is not my own. From a place that only You can provide. The desire to serve my family will come from the wellspring of life and love from within. The head knowledge is making its way to my heart. "You brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me" (Psalm 18:19). You did that, God. You rescued me and You delight in me. It's hard to even write that honestly. And when I read to my children, it's still hard to believe that you love me with a "Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love" (The Jesus Storybook Bible). But I will stop striving to serve out of my own reserve and will power. I want to know and believe in the core of my being that You love me and You delight in me. I will rest in Your love. Your love is enough. "This is the vault of miracles. The only thing that can change us, the world, is this — all His love" (page 60).


I want to be obedient to the Lord's leading, and I want to remember what He has done in my life, so here is the beginning of my list... 


1. coffee creamer (seriously, that is the best I could come up with for # one?)
2. the kids' dirty hands and feet
3. Reed's cry ... loud and alive
5. sunset running after a long day
9. a sympathy card from a dear friend miles away
10. coffee reheat #3
14. friends who get you
16. soul-stirring music
18. a dishwasher full from family meals
22. running, diving hugs from my 17th month old


Have you started a list? What is number one?

~cheryl~

Also linked up with Women in the Word Wednesdays

Book Club: A Difficult Journey

When I started this post, I had intended to start right into Ann Voskamp's, One Thousand Gifts. But then I thought I would give you a little background about where I am coming from. I wanted to give you some insight into the journey I have been on. A very difficult journey of realizing how ugly my heart truly is without Jesus and how much I need Him every minute of every day.


I mentioned in this post, that my pastor gave me two books to read about 8 months ago. Well, it was due, in part, to the fact that I had hit bottom. Having a third child had broken me. It wasn't Reed necessarily, because he is a great kid, I just realized that I couldn't fake it any longer. I couldn't fake that I had it all together. Having that much asked of me, all the time, caused for some serious ugliness to come out. And I knew I needed to reach out for help. Patrick encouraged me to talk with our pastor and his wife, who have 3 kids about 5-10 years older than ours. They are close friends and I can remember wanting to cancel at the last minute because of pride and shame. I didn't want them to know that side of me. Authentic community is difficult. Because when we are vulnerable with someone we essentially are giving them a choice. We are giving them the choice between: being friends with who we really are or rejecting us. When you are faking and pretending all the time, you believe that you have control over who likes you and who doesn't. You feel like you can manipulate and control your way into a friendship. That may sound crazy, but why do you think we gossip and back bite? Isn't it just to control the way that person views us? We want to be put in the best possible light even if that means we throw someone else under the bus. In Bible study this morning, we read Galatians 5:14, "For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another." But my friends loved me unconditionally and it was important for me to share what was going on with someone other than Patrick. And I am so thankful that I was obedient and talked to them and I am thankful that they listened. I am thankful for the light they shed on my circumstances and I am grateful for their willingness to enter into that type of community with me.

When I began to read Ann Voskamp's  book, I literally couldn't believe what I was reading. I remember my jaw dropping in the first chapter. It was like she was in my head and in my heart, articulating the very things I have thought. And that is why I wept when I read her honest words in Chapter 2:

"...I wake to the discontent of life in my skin. I wake to self-hatred. To the wrestle to get it all done, the relentless anxiety that I am failing. Always the failing. I yell at children, fester with bitterness, forget doctor appointments, lose library books, live selfishly, skip prayer, complain, go to bed too late, neglect cleaning toilets. I live tired. Afraid. Anxious. Weary. Years, I feel it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes. Would I ever be enough, find enough, do enough?" (page 27)

"Always the failing." I feel like that most days and especially when Reed was a new baby. This past year and a half has been one of the toughest of my life. And I have had to rely on the Lord in ways that I have never done before. In those dark moments I realized that I lacked real joy. I lacked the kind of joy that doesn't disappear when things get stressful and difficult. And I knew that Christ was the source of that joy. I was frustrated that I couldn't seem to muster it up anymore. I was frustrated that my belief in the Almighty was that shallow and I wasn't living out my faith in a real way. So I began to read Piper's book, When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy, and I HIGHLY recommend it, if any of this resonates with you. I also strongly recommend Voskamp's book if any of this resonates as well. If you haven't already read it — pick up a copy today and start as soon as possible. I think she has a lot to say and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

Well, she goes on to say in that same chapter that she realized that the goal in her life had always been joy. Like so many faithful believers that have come before us (Augustine, Lewis, Edwards), JOY is the thing that we long for. "Without exception . . . all try their hardest to reach the same goal, that is joy" (Augustine). And if you have read the book, you know she believes that being thankful for the everyday, the mundane, and striving to see God's face in the midst of it, is the way to experience that joy. She uses the Greek word "eucharisteo," meaning "he gave thanks," to describe the type of thanksgiving we should have in our lives. It was what Jesus did before he broke the bread. Before he endured the cross. He thanked His Heavenly Father for what was to come. Wow. Chew on that for a bit. It's hard to swallow isn't it? But I think Voskamp is onto something when she says, 

"At the Eucharist, Christ breaks His heart to heal ours — Christ, the complete accomplishment of our salvation. And the miracle of eucharisteo never ends: thanksgiving is what precedes the miracle of that salvation being fully worked out in our lives. Thanksgiving — giving thanks in everything — is what prepares the way for salvation's whole restoration. Our salvation in Christ is real, yet the completeness of that salvation is not fully realized in a life until the life realizes the need to give thanks." 

I don't think what she says is necessarily new, but I think her honest account of her own life is helpful. What do you think about what she says? Care to share? I would love to hear from you.

~cheryl~




Part One of the One Thousand Gifts Book Club

 




http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/and-so-goes-the-posture-of-the-body-of-christ/

Book Club: Take Two

Remember this post? And remember that I put it off to read this book? 

Well, this weekend at the retreat I decided to start the first book I had intended to read, One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. And I did so grudgingly. Let me explain. I have this thing called pride. And pride told me that I didn't want to read something that had gotten so "trendy," and that the author writes in a sort of nauseating way. I have heart issues, people, remember it's called sin? So Pride kept me from starting it, even though I had finished the first book several weeks ago. And apparently I was not the only one who felt that way.

But Friday night, before going to bed, I'm not sure why, but I decided to pick it up. And immediately I was floored after just 2 pages. I was humbled. And I cried through the entire first chapter. 

Ann Voskamp writes in such a vulnerable way. Her writing is raw. And her poetic style makes you s l o w down long enough to let it all sink in. 

I asked the Father for forgiveness. To forgive me for being so prideful. And I thanked Him for this book. I thanked Him for Ann Voskamp and for her words that have stirred my soul. That have resonated deep within. I thanked God for His sovereignty and for the perfect timing of these words in my life and where He has brought me over the past 8 months (that whole story is for another day). 

In Chapter 1, she writes:

"From all of our beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden story. Satan, he wanted more. More power, more glory. Satan's sin becomes the first sin of all humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are, simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave. Isn't that the catalyst of all my sins? Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other"  (page 15).

And while, I have heard it put this way before, in context of what she describes and the pain she has lived with, the truth of it penetrated my heart. She is raw and very honest and goes on to say on page 16:

"If I'm ruthlessly honest, I may have said yes to God, yes to Christianity, but really I have lived the no." 

I asked myself, how am I living the "no?" I have shared before that I find it difficult to get what is in my head to my heart. If I am honest with myself, am I choosing to not believe who He says He is? How is the sin of unbelief and ingratitude wreaking havoc on my life? The answer is simple. It is wreaking havoc in every aspect of my life. My ingratitude is what keeps me seeing the many blessings in my life. The sin of ingratitude keeps me from contentment, peace and joy.

Thank you God for loving me enough to pour out your grace on me despite my pride. Thank you for this book. Thank you for it's life-giving words. And I am looking forward to seeing how You use it to change me from within.

Would anyone like to join me in reading it? If you have already, I would love to hear your thoughts and comments. Please check back in. I plan to write a few posts about the things that resonated with me and I welcome any feedback.

~cheryl~