it came and went

the first day of school came and went. just like that. my first born started kindergarten today and now it's old hat. been there done that. all the anticipation and nerves are through. 

and i am so thankful. 

i couldn't think straight leading up to today.

i seriously couldn't focus on anything else. and wouldn't have anything to do with my house be CRAMMED full of items from my grandparents house that are going in a garage sale this weekend to benefit World Vision and the drought crisis. more on that later.

no, it was because my baby girl was starting kindergarten.

the night before, i actually remembered to make and pack her lunch. i am praying that i maintain a good run. i am sort of a forgetful person... but the first day was made. and here's proof:

oh, and if you are wondering where i printed that adorable note, you can go here

 

we live really close to the school, and even though it is hotter than the dickens, we walked. yes, we walked and i sweat the entire way there. we did it mainly because she wanted to, and i'm that kind of mom. baby girl gets whatever baby girl wants. at least on the first day.

i took this picture with her backpack on, but truth be told, i carried her backpack. i don't want the backpack police gettin all up in my bizness like i made her carry that big ol thing herself. no, momma carried it and had pit stains the size of Texas to prove it.

 

here is my precious baby girl sitting next to a boy we don't even know. is that allowed? where is Asher Rives when we need him?

 

when i left her in that classroom, i just stood in the hallway. i didn't cry. i was a little in shock actually. in shock at how easy and seamless the whole thing was. she walked in there like she owned the place. confident. ready. smiling. 

and i just stood in the hall, sneaking peaks at her. i just couldn't leave. i went in one more time to give her a kiss and tell her i loved her and she was going to have fun. she looked eager to start the day. 

so i left and walked home and went with my mom, Meadow and Reed to IHOP to dredge my sorrow in bad coffee and a yummy belgian waffle. and Saige was missed. i missed her and her baby sister missed her. Reed was just happy to be sitting next to Noni and eating whatever he wanted. 

even though their coffee is pretty bad, it was made a little better by this mug. coffee just tastes better in a diner mug, no?

after a fun-filled day, the three of us walked, yes, in the heat of the day, we walked to pick Saige up from school. i am telling you, i was just that mom today. at the end of the street i realized the tires on the double jogger were dreadfully low, but we had only 10 minutes before Saige would be out. 

we got there, saw her standing in line and she ran to greet us. she gave Meadow a big hug - it was priceless. we began our walk home and Saige wanted to ride in the stroller too, so i pushed all 3 of them back home on flat tires. i sweat through my second shirt for the day. it was awesome. momma's going to be driving tomorrow, i guarantee you that.

and since i mentioned i was that mom today, i even made Saige's favorite peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. the girls and i had cookies and milk, while Reed napped, and we talked about the day.

 there were some tears shed when Saige got back and the girls were fighting over silly things. i explained that this was going to be an adjustment and that they weren't going to be experiencing the same things, so we need to be happy for what the other one gets to do instead of being jealous. (Noni, you may need to take Saige to get pancakes). they both understood and stopped being so silly after that and we had a great evening. i laid in bed tonight with Saige and she told me about the books the teacher read, what the principal's name was, that the librarian was really nice and that there was lots of kids books to check out in the library. thank you, Lord, for that. thank you, Lord, for a daughter that can tell me about her day in such an articulate way. it's good for this Momma's heart.

 

miscellany monday

1. grace-driven effort

D.A. Carson wrote in, For the Love of God, Volume 2, one of the most helpful things that I have read recently in regards to faith, sanctification, and refinement. He talks about it as grace-driven effort, and Jared Wilson expanded on the idea here.

"People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated." D.A. Carson

2. The Help

So am I one of the last people on the face of the planet to read this book? I borrowed it from my sister-in-law this last week and I am really enjoying it so far. Have you read it, what do you think about it? Apparently there is some controversy surrounding the movie ... (And this article was written before the movie came out).... 

via my pinterest

3. last week before school

Saige starts kindergarten one week from today. So we are going to live it up this week! But I am definitely looking forward to the structure that her schedule will provide. I am looking forward to spending time with my two littles and being able to help Meadow with her writing. Last week, Saige had an initial assessment and the teacher came out afterwards exuberant about how well Saige did. And she told me she could tell I have been working with her. O, my. She has no idea how much confidence that gave me. Anyways, I have a lot of thoughts rattling around and I plan to write an entire post as a follow up to this post soon.

4. he's not a baby...

I am not sentimental when it comes to hair. I don't mind chopping my own hair off with Fiskars and it isn't too difficult for me to have my babies hair cut for the first time. The main issue I have with haircuts is paying for them. Because I'm cheap, y'all. So I asked my MIL if she wouldn't mind cutting Reed's mop off because I could't stand seeing him sweat just walking out to the van. Have I mentioned we are in drought? Anyways, she always cut the boys hair growing up and she did a great job cutting my nephew's hair recently. Isn't he so handsome?  So here are some before and after pictures of my baby big boy.

before

after

Happy Monday!

friday favorites

Here are some random things that I am thankful for this past week. I am linking up with Rachel over at finding joy once again. 

1. dinner for breakfast.

i have pretty much coughed up a lung for 2 weeks now. bronchitis is ugly. and it took me out of commission for an entire week and i am actually still recovering. so i am thankful for pancake dinners and excitement in the air when i announce it. it's the small things, people.

2. new furniture 

We sold our hand-me-down furniture on a local craigslist type thing and I couldn't have been more excited to see those arm chairs leave my house. We got a new couch cover and some new arm chairs from Ikea. Although, I am not entirely sure why I went with white, other than of course I love the way it looks. We still have 3 small kids, one of which has a hard time remembering to keep his crayons in the playroom. And a BLACK dog. I know, I'm crazy, I tell you. In the picture below, you can see one of the old armchairs in the upper right corner. The first night we brought the furniture home, Patrick still sat in the old arm chair with his food. I laughed and told him, I didn't mind, I wasn't going to be CRAZY about it. He said, 24 hours. They have to stay clean for 24 hours. So we just looked at our new furniture and sat in the old ones that evening. The next afternoon, Ruby got mud all over the side of the couch. And I just laughed. I knew it was going to happen. We went with the cheap, white ones that are machine washable for a reason. ;)

 3. backpack shopping and a typical text

Saige starts kindergarten in 10 days, y'all. I had to get my rear in gear and get her a backpack, so we headed to Target, of course. I am so indecisive. It's a disease, I'm sure of it. I texted Patrick a picture because I thought it might be a bit big for her. And this is a typical text conversation between us. And the latter half is later that afternoon. I love my single-worded-husband. He's good for me.

 4. nearly a decade.

Our 10 year anniversary is coming up next month and we are trying to plan a trip. You know, the trip you thought you'd take on your 10 year anniversary because it seemed so far away and such a milestone and you just had to celebrate such an important thing. Well, it is a big deal but those 10 years sure flew by and I can hardly believe we are planning that trip! We still haven't decided, so suggestions are welcome. We are pretty much open to anything... so please suggest away. 

Happy Friday, y'all! I hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Seriously, Kindergarten?

Kindergarten Round-Up was yesterday. And oh.my.word. I nearly cried just on the walk to the school. It was just Saige and I (thanks to my rock star dad who came and stayed with the two little ones). And memories came rushing back as I looked down at her tiny hand in mine.

That is how it was back in the summer of 2006. Just baby Saige and I trying to figure it all out. Her showing me grace as I tried to figure the whole mommy thing out. So when we were walking there, I couldn't help but think of those things. And I was so proud of her. She held my hand the entire way there, but was so excited and not the least bit nervous. This once timid, little toddler, has proven to be a very brave and courageous almost-kindergartner. I mean just look at her. Isn't she adorable?

There were lots of other kids and parents there and we all stood in line to sign-in. We had to write our names on name-tags and a few other kids in front were writing their own names and I thought, oh, here we go. The first test of being a good mom - can your child write his/her name? Check. Whew, passed that one. As we were waiting to get into the library, a teacher came up and asked if she could lead our children down to the classroom that they would be staying in. I asked Saige if she wanted to go with the teacher or for me to go with her. And she pointed at the teacher and wanted to go with her. She's ready. In my head I was cheering, "you go, Saige, you go, girl." She showed no hesitation and acted like she had been there for years. It's hard to believe that she is only 4, because she has always seemed older than her age. 

Before the meeting started, I struck up a conversation with the mom to the left of me and asked if this was her first child going to kindergarten and she told me yes so we talked about all that is involved in that and then I asked the mom to the right of me the same question and she told me yes as well. I thought to myself, oh this is wonderful — I am going to make 2 new friends today. BUT unfortunately, she was the "look forward and never make eye contact" sort of person so I took that to mean that she didn't enjoy my company. I decided to keep baring my soul to the other woman because we had obviously bonded. So thank you, Becky, for engaging in a heart to heart in the elementary school library about the future of our children. I needed that. 

Because I would have been a big blubbering fool otherwise. Everyone in there seemed so calm and collected but tears kept welling up and I fought to keep them at bay. I wasn't going to be "that mom." I was going to pretend like I had it all together too. So I listened, I asked one of the teachers a few questions and then I went to pick up my daughter. She was beaming when she saw me and the other K teachers were like, "Saige, I am so glad you came, you really made our day, you are going to do so awesome because you are so smart and pretty and well-adjusted. I mean just look at that smile, and those pigtails. You're mom must be the best mom ever." Okay, they didn't say those things, but that would have been pretty cool, right? I grabbed her hand and we walked home. She gabbed on and on and on the entire time and I thought — I could get used to this. She was so full of life and so excited about all that she was going to learn. She is going to be just fine. I told Patrick when I got home, that the school really is a gift. It's public (meaning it's paid for with our taxes) and the faculty have been there for many years. They seemed to genuinely love children and love their jobs. And for this first year, I am at peace with her going there. I will miss her terribly, but I believe it will be good for our family. 

You go, Saige! You've got it in the bag.

~cheryl~

School, Matt Damon and My Chimera

So I've been thinking about school. I have specifically been thinking about school and what Saige will be doing in the Fall. I have been thinking about it A LOT. Like so much that it is oozing over into my dreams. I dreamt that Matt Damon and his wife had their kids in the same school that Saige was attending. Do they even have kids, who knows? But that's strange, right? Well what's even stranger is that I wasn't even surprised that the Damons were in my dream. What surprised me, was the fact that Saige was in a public school.
You see, I have thought that since Saige was about 2, that I would homeschool. I tried this past year to do pre-K at home with her. And it was a big. fat. fail.  I liked the idea of us all being together as a family and wasn't ready to send her to school. But what I quickly learned was that I like to do whatever I want as a family. I like to keep my schedule. Grocery store, play dates, the zoo, the library, etc. And I know that is "all school." But when it came to sitting down and doing our letter of the week, well, I struggled. And on the days that we did do it, I didn't really enjoy it, although the girls wanted to do it all the time. I have absolutely no patience. I have absolutely no concept of what it means to teach a 3 and 4 year old. And I just kept telling myself that I will learn; that I needed to be more organized. That I will get better, and that I just need to be more disciplined and less selfish.
But what I have come to realize, by the grace of God, is that I have been holding onto this "other Cheryl." The one that has it all together. You know, the one that sews, crafts, bakes bread, cleans house, hosts parties, homeschools, and gets paid for it all. And while I ENJOY all of those things, I have realized that I am not doing the most important one well. Which is being a loving wife and mother. I am stressed and frazzled. And I like the idea of having more time with them at home. I like the idea that homeschool is more efficient. I like the idea that I would be the one teaching them everything. But I had to ask myself, at what cost will I hold onto my idealized world? At what cost, will I sacrifice my sanity and the sanity of those around me for my ideal, for my chimera? All the while, pushing back the giftings of the Lord that I aspire to do because I feel so stretched by the end of the day? Things like baking with my girls, painting with them, reading to them, and teaching them to run a home? I think since I know many women who are fully capable of doing those things AND homeschooling, I just assumed that, naturally, I could too. Hence my ideal had to become my reality.
The Lord has shown me that I was holding onto "doing it all" because I didn't want to be perceived as the mom that "can't handle it." I didn't want people to think that I don't enjoy my children and that I want to ship them off as soon as they are able. I don't want people to perceive me as always wanting "me time." I wanted people to think that I can do it all. And secretly, I could do it better than them. Ugly, right? And when people would suggest I put them in school, it only made me dig my heels in deeper.
But through various friends, one husband and through His word, God has shown me that I need to let that "idealized Cheryl" go and be who He created me to be. The one that is forgetful, unorganized, creative, energetic and passionate. And that I can be more of those things when I am not spending my time trying to perfect the things that I am not good at. I am not saying that I shouldn't strive to be more organized. Because my mother can testify that having kids has forced me to be more structured and that I have gotten better at it over the years. But what I am saying is that I need to let go of the perfect version of that and just rest in doing my best.

"I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I have ever met." 

-Dwight Lyman Moody

I am seeing my heart idols, for what they are - sin. And at the women's retreat, I realized that one of those idols, is that I want just enough approval from everyone to be accepted in whatever circle I am in. But praise be to God, that His approval is all that matters. I need to stop striving and rest in His work and in His grace.

 “As [the First] Commandment is the very first, highest and best, from which all the others proceed...so also its work, that is, faith or confidence in God’s favor at all times, is the very first, highest and best, from which all other [works] must proceed, exist, remain, be directed and measured.” - Martin Luther

Patrick has been patient with me in this decision process. He has never wanted to come out and say, that we should put them in public school, because he wanted me to come to that conclusion on my own. I am thankful for his patience and long suffering. And I am super excited about the prospect of having a renewed sense of motherhood when Saige starts school. And although I am sure I will cry when I drop her off, like a real ugly cry, I know she will be just fine. God is sovereign. He cares and loves my children more than I do, and I am going to trust Him in that.

PLEASE hear me, LOUD and CLEAR. I am NOT saying that you should put your kids in public school or that you should homeschool, or that I will never homeschool. I am just describing MY experience. I am not judging; Lord, knows I am in no place to do that.
But I would love to hear your honest responses. So please leave me a comment.

~cheryl~