Running, Music and Jesus

Running is cathartic for me. 
Being outside is therapeutic.
Listening to music are a combination of the two. 
And all three combined can be magical.
Or they can just about kill me. Seriously. Just wait, I'll get there.
Yesterday, I went for a run. I had been edgy and snippy all day. Patrick said, "why don't you go for a run, sweetie?" Nice, right?
Well, I knew what he was really saying was, "why don't you get the heck out of the house before someone gets hurt?"
And he was right. I needed to get out. I needed to clear my head. 
I have been a runner since I was 12 years old. I can remember clearly the reason I started running was to purge some of the teenage angst against my parents and the world. I can remember, after getting in a fight with my mom, putting on running clothes and just tearing out of the house. And so it began. My love/hate relationship with running. I hate running because it's, of course, hard. I love running, because it has always been a source of clarity for me. I have spent countless hours praying, thinking and running. I come up with entire blog posts when I am out there. And as soon as I step back into the house, they are often times completely gone. It's strange. I need to come up with a way to write while running. Any suggestions?
Anyways, the grief, the stress, the hormones were just about too much to bare yesterday, so I got dressed and headed outside. I turned on The Civil Wars and Mumford & Sons. If you have listened to them, you know that their music alone evokes a lot of emotions, let alone the ones I was already feeling. Their music also provides the perfect background for contemplation. 
I thought about this broken world. This world that needs Jesus. This world with all its pain and suffering. This world that lost Sarah, a beautiful young lady, that loved the Lord and her friends and family well.
I thought about wishing I had seen Papa more. I wished we had been closer. I wished I knew more about his childhood and his time in the Navy. Granny was always the tying bind. I didn't really know Papa without Granny. And it pains me to even say that. To write that.
And yesterday was one of the hardest runs of my life. The image of my mom saying, "Bye, Daddy" as we went out the door literally made me cry so hard, I started hyperventilating. I could not catch my breath. That tender word, Daddy, was too much for me to handle. I had to stop, because I couldn't get enough air. I thought if people saw my face they would think, man, that girl is in pretty bad shape. She must be in a lot of pain. And I was. I tried hard not to think of my own Daddy and my girls Daddy. And I would try to shake the image from my mind. I even turned on Usher's, "DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love," to try and change the subject so to speak. It didn't work. I guess my guilty pleasure songs, at that point, seemed so shallow. Go figure. 
So I turned on the Robbie Seay Band's "Your Love is Strong." That song has meant so much to me the last 6 months. At different times, the Lord has spoken to my heart through this song. Yesterday, these were the words that got me:

The kingdom of the heavens / Is now advancing / Invade my heart / Invade this broken town / The kingdom of the heavens / Is buried treasure / Will you sell yourself / To buy the one you've found?

I asked the Lord to invade my heart. To invade my life. I ask for the grace to sell myself for the treasure I have found in Jesus. The treasure of my heart. The treasure my heart longs for and cries out to. I asked for the grace to love my family well. I asked for the grace to forgive the broken parts and praised Him for the ones He has made whole. I thanked Him for the life Papa lived. I thanked Him for the life that Sarah lived. 

I was at that point walking, because I literally couldn't breath from all the crying. I tried to compose myself and get my crying under control because I was close to home. 

When I walked up, I came home to see my kids playing outside. And they ran, screaming Mommy, and hugged my legs. And I lost it again. I completely came unravelled and cried like a baby. And I knew Patrick was thinking, "Oh great, weren't you supposed to run off those emotions?" But I quickly told him they were tears of joy. They were tears of thankfulness. They were tears of hope. And I praised God for the chance to run and get outside. For a chance to be a wife and mommy. For the chance to see Him amidst the pain.

Heavenly Father 
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come 
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need 
To live through the day
And forgive me as I forgive 
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window 
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune 
Or out of place
I look at the meadow 
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl 
On her wedding day

So why do I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens 
Is now advancing
Invade my heart 
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens 
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself 
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons

Lyrics by Jon Foreman