We talked about the obvious ups and downs of having young kids, and she mentioned something about the two different groups of mommy friends she has and the difficulties of being real in one of them.
Her two circles of friends are an adult small group with some working moms and then a SAHM group. In the adult Bible study, she pointed out that it's all right for the working mom to say to her, "Oh, I could never stay home and do what you do." But that it wouldn't necessarily be all right for her to say the same thing in reverse. Why? First, it's just not cool to say, "Oh, I could never leave my children all day in the hands of someone else to raise." And secondly, she doesn't want to add to the notion that being at home is difficult if another mom already has misconceptions about it. We talked about how we want other moms who don't stay at home to know, that while it is difficult, it's a joy and that we are not stupid for doing it.
There is so much "mommy guilt" on either side. But as a SAHM, I have to say, I do feel that I have to put my choice, to stay at home, out there in a way that is seen positively. I want the world to know that it is a choice and that it is one I have made, and daily make, with Joy. And I want the freedom to say how hard it is without the attitude of "I told you so." Does that even make sense? I don't want there to be judgment or finger pointing. I want there to be open communication on either end.
My girlfriends and I talk all the time about how the judging needs to stop. The debates over these issues — breastfeed vs. bottle feed, homeschool vs. public school, working mom vs. stay-at-home mom —are ad nauseam. We are all doing the best we know how, by God's grace. We need to encourage one another to glorify God in whatever circumstance we find ourselves in, and give each other a break.
What are your thoughts? Are you a working mother? What are some misconceptions that you deal with? As a SAHM, do you struggle with being judged?
I thought this post by Sarah Mae was so good today. EVERY mom can relate to this. Jesus loves our children more than we ever can. He needs to be the one we run to when we are feeling defeated. Be encouraged. You are not alone.
~cheryl~
Our biggest hindrance to being real is the size of our family. If I ever make a comment about how hard the day was or the struggles from having so many children, then it seems okay for others to say that we made the choice to have so many or they not nicely point out that we should not have had so many.
ReplyDeleteWe face the same obstacle with homeschooling. I rarely feel free to say that I am having a difficult day with our schooling. Most don't just listen and then say 'that stinks, but tomorrow will be better'. The response is almost always, 'well then just put them in school'.
It feels like I don't have the freedom to have a day that stinks and then can say something about it just to vent. The implication being that my 'wrong' choices to be a mom, stay at home, or homeschool all led to my bad day. I desire to encourage all women in what every choices they feel God leads them to make, who am I to question.
Almost a blog post itself :o)
I am a SAHM that works part-time. I can relate to the judging and I am grateful that I had to do bottle with one child and breast with the other so that I can empathize with both. I think so often, we are looking for confirmation of our own decisions. Instead of finding that in God, we often find it in the condescending of others.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great topic. The SAHM v/s Working Mom camps are so polarized. You are right we do need to show each other grace. I have been insulted on either side of this argument. I usually try to be on the we must do what we must do and NOT judge. Thanks for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI think the judging is all about fear. As moms (I'm a mom of a 24 year old) we are all doing the best we can. AND, we want to believe we are doing it RIGHT. Because, if we're doing it wrong we are being a "bad mom." None of us wants to be a bad mom. So, if we are doing it differently than another mom, one of us is DOING IT WRONG. This ignites the fear. As I said, this is just what I think. If we all realized we are doing it wrong, but we ARE doing the best we can, then maybe we could all relax and get along. Just a thought. LOVE your blog!!
ReplyDeleteOh the judging. The judging!
ReplyDeleteThis is something that never ceases to amaze me. I mean people judge in every aspect of others lives, but it is so harsh and so rampant amongst mohters.
I often feel it is such because all of us are so overwhelmed by this huge task of raising our kids so for some people, it makes them feel better about their own choices to criticize the ones that others are making that are different.
It's ridiculous.
You are right, about it being more taboo to tell a working mom you couldn't do what she does, but all of it is just crazy. Being a Mom is difficult no matter how you slice it. It's hard whether you are home all day or at work.
And something I never tire of telling people...being honest about the challenge of something doesn't mean you would change it. Sometimes staying home is difficult, but it doesn't mean it isn't the right choice. Some days I want to shut my kids in the closet (I never actually do, fear not,) but I'd still decide to be here with them rather than work any day.
Though I really would enjoy a little more diversity, like job sharing with my husband or something. I could get in to that.
I am a working mom, but not because I want to be, and I think that is the area that I feel judged! I feel like some moms that do stay at home look at me like "well, she's just not sacrificing enough to stay at home if that is what she really wants to do".
ReplyDeleteThe fact of the matter is, Casey is a youth minister and he does not make enough money to pay for our bills that we have to have. Mainly our student loans. If we didn't have those suckers, I could probably be at home! (Well, except that I get good health insurance for me and the girls through the school district!)
I guess sometimes I just feel like people judge the fact that I say I want to be at home, but they don't feel like I am really sacrificing everything I can to make it happen...but I am, I promise!
I'm a working mom, and I can honestly say I feel judged A LOT - especially at church. I'm working by choice, but I started out working not by choice as my hubby was started a business. I could quit now, and with a few lifestyle adjustments, we would be ok. However, I've decided that I'm where God needs me to be right now. I don't love my kids any less b/c I'm not with them all day long. I'm totally at peace with my decision...until someone judges me for it. However, I really hope no SAHM thinks I'm judging them for not working b/c honestly I don't. Either way, parenting is tough, and both jobs are hard. (For the record, this working mom considers staying at home a job.)
ReplyDeleteI agree that we as women all need to put a stop to all of this - working/SAHM, breast/bottle, public school/homeschooling. Everyone does what is right for them, and there is no one size fits all.
Oh, this is such a touuchy subject!
ReplyDeleteI am a working mommy and I feel very much like Sarah does. I WANT to stay home, but I have the bigger salary and better benefits so it is just not an option for us right now. I feel like a lot of people just assume that if you want to stay home, you can but that is just not always the case. Not to mention, it is not just my decision. My husband and I are a team and just because I want to be home, doesn't mean I can up and quit. And ditto on the sacrificing thing that Sarah mentioned, that if I/we did more, than it would be an option.
On another note, about working mom's saying "I could never stay home"....I have in fact had sahm moms tell me things like "well me, personally, I could never leave my kids" and "I just want to do what's best for my kids"...OUCH, that hurts! We all want what's best for our kids!
I try my best to not judge either side, b/c in the end....we all are just want happy healthy kids and are doing the best that we can! :)
Kristi - I will never forget reading what a mom said about her large family one time. If a 2 year old (from a small family) is seen wearing mix matched clothes it is viewed as cute and the mom is allowing her child some independence. If a 2 year old from a large family is seen wearing mix matched clothes, people assume the mother doesn't have enough time to pay attention to that poor 2 year old because she obviously doesn't even know she is wearing. Thank you for your thoughts - always insightful!
ReplyDeleteJen - right on. No matter what our decision is we need to care more about what God thinks than what man thinks.
Miko's girl - thanks for leaving some feedback - it's good to hear from you! :)
happygirl - I think you are absolutely right. FEAR brings out the worst in us. And women can be downright ugly about it.
Leslie - absolutely. just because it's hard doesn't make it wrong. exactly. thank you for your thoughts.
SARAH, LAURIE, LISA - thank you SO much for leaving a comment. It breaks my heart that you feel judged, especially in the church of all places. I pray that through your own lives, God will bless those that might judge you. That through your strength, security, and vulnerability, He will use your lives as a testament to power of grace. That by you being real with the struggle, you can in turn bless someone else who is struggling. I REALLY appreciate you lending your voice to this hot topic. It all comes down to showing grace even when it's difficult.
Cheryl, this is such a good topic. I typed out a whole response and then it got deleted... or something. But I really want to contribute some thoughts here
ReplyDeleteI think as Laurie and the others said, we all want what is best for our kids. And truth be told, for our family, it works out better for me to work. It is both a necessity and a choice in a way. Or at least it feels that way to me. I also think that often, when we say to each other, "I could never stay home," that really what is meant is wow, I have so much respect for your patience and diligence with you children. I have never thought of that statement as negative, but that is only through my lens.
I think my thoughts on that stem from the fact that when people say to me, "I could never teach middle school!" I think, "Thank you, it is a tough job." So I always assumed that mom's who stayed at home, when faced with that statement, instead of feeling judged, possibly felt flattered.
I think, wherever you spend your time, it must be meaningful. I can't imagine anything more meaningful than shaping your own children's lives. Challenging? Yes. Monotonous? Maybe? I'm not sure... but still it is absolutely meaningful.
And my hope is that all working mom's can find meaning in their work. I know for sure that I would not work if it were not meaningful to me. (But remember, it is also necessity.)
Either way, I hope I haven't allowed anything to feel judged with careless comments. I always assume that we are all doing the best we can, whatever the method. I would hope that others would hold off judgement because Lord knows we are all imperfect!
I think that SAHMs and working mom's are sometimes estranged from one another because they (like said) are afraid to try to connect. Out connections would have to be deeper than the surface daily routines because we may not share those daily commonalities. (Who here relates to dealing with trying to get an adolescent to bring a pencil to class?) But truth is, we are all just trying to figure it out. Being vulnerable and admitting our flaws is the first step in bringing together mom's who have more in common than we would normally take the time to find out.
Ok, enough for now. Thanks for the thoughts...
AMEN! I am right there with you! I love this - "And I want the freedom to say how hard it is without the attitude of "I told you so." Does that even make sense?" It makes so much sense!
ReplyDeleteI am a SAHM and I have a PT job in the evening 2 nights a week. My hubby stays home with the kids those nights.
In MY perfect world (in my dreams) we would all love and encourage each other in whatever situation we are in. We can help each other grow and become better mommies without feeling threatened or feeling like we are bad moms because we aren't like June Cleaver.
Loved your post. We all struggle with this, right? Some times I even feel judged by my husband :(
ReplyDeleteI have been both working and stay at home mom. Both are so challenging and both aren't easy. I think we just need to love eachother and respect what is working for each family. Right now I am a stay at home mom and it's hard. It's not easy and I don't want to be judged for saying that.
You are so right, we need to go to God for our help, no matter what kind of mom we are :)
This is a hard one. Thank you for challenging us all. I am a SAHM. I will admit I have that thought..."I could never leave my kids all day". I know that's not fair. I do feel the Lord has called ME to stay at home. One thing that has helped me is having some close friends who work full time. I see the love they have for their children and it reminds me that we are all doing the best we can to do what God calls each of us to. Great post!
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