School, Matt Damon and My Chimera

So I've been thinking about school. I have specifically been thinking about school and what Saige will be doing in the Fall. I have been thinking about it A LOT. Like so much that it is oozing over into my dreams. I dreamt that Matt Damon and his wife had their kids in the same school that Saige was attending. Do they even have kids, who knows? But that's strange, right? Well what's even stranger is that I wasn't even surprised that the Damons were in my dream. What surprised me, was the fact that Saige was in a public school.
You see, I have thought that since Saige was about 2, that I would homeschool. I tried this past year to do pre-K at home with her. And it was a big. fat. fail.  I liked the idea of us all being together as a family and wasn't ready to send her to school. But what I quickly learned was that I like to do whatever I want as a family. I like to keep my schedule. Grocery store, play dates, the zoo, the library, etc. And I know that is "all school." But when it came to sitting down and doing our letter of the week, well, I struggled. And on the days that we did do it, I didn't really enjoy it, although the girls wanted to do it all the time. I have absolutely no patience. I have absolutely no concept of what it means to teach a 3 and 4 year old. And I just kept telling myself that I will learn; that I needed to be more organized. That I will get better, and that I just need to be more disciplined and less selfish.
But what I have come to realize, by the grace of God, is that I have been holding onto this "other Cheryl." The one that has it all together. You know, the one that sews, crafts, bakes bread, cleans house, hosts parties, homeschools, and gets paid for it all. And while I ENJOY all of those things, I have realized that I am not doing the most important one well. Which is being a loving wife and mother. I am stressed and frazzled. And I like the idea of having more time with them at home. I like the idea that homeschool is more efficient. I like the idea that I would be the one teaching them everything. But I had to ask myself, at what cost will I hold onto my idealized world? At what cost, will I sacrifice my sanity and the sanity of those around me for my ideal, for my chimera? All the while, pushing back the giftings of the Lord that I aspire to do because I feel so stretched by the end of the day? Things like baking with my girls, painting with them, reading to them, and teaching them to run a home? I think since I know many women who are fully capable of doing those things AND homeschooling, I just assumed that, naturally, I could too. Hence my ideal had to become my reality.
The Lord has shown me that I was holding onto "doing it all" because I didn't want to be perceived as the mom that "can't handle it." I didn't want people to think that I don't enjoy my children and that I want to ship them off as soon as they are able. I don't want people to perceive me as always wanting "me time." I wanted people to think that I can do it all. And secretly, I could do it better than them. Ugly, right? And when people would suggest I put them in school, it only made me dig my heels in deeper.
But through various friends, one husband and through His word, God has shown me that I need to let that "idealized Cheryl" go and be who He created me to be. The one that is forgetful, unorganized, creative, energetic and passionate. And that I can be more of those things when I am not spending my time trying to perfect the things that I am not good at. I am not saying that I shouldn't strive to be more organized. Because my mother can testify that having kids has forced me to be more structured and that I have gotten better at it over the years. But what I am saying is that I need to let go of the perfect version of that and just rest in doing my best.

"I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man I have ever met." 

-Dwight Lyman Moody

I am seeing my heart idols, for what they are - sin. And at the women's retreat, I realized that one of those idols, is that I want just enough approval from everyone to be accepted in whatever circle I am in. But praise be to God, that His approval is all that matters. I need to stop striving and rest in His work and in His grace.

 “As [the First] Commandment is the very first, highest and best, from which all the others proceed...so also its work, that is, faith or confidence in God’s favor at all times, is the very first, highest and best, from which all other [works] must proceed, exist, remain, be directed and measured.” - Martin Luther

Patrick has been patient with me in this decision process. He has never wanted to come out and say, that we should put them in public school, because he wanted me to come to that conclusion on my own. I am thankful for his patience and long suffering. And I am super excited about the prospect of having a renewed sense of motherhood when Saige starts school. And although I am sure I will cry when I drop her off, like a real ugly cry, I know she will be just fine. God is sovereign. He cares and loves my children more than I do, and I am going to trust Him in that.

PLEASE hear me, LOUD and CLEAR. I am NOT saying that you should put your kids in public school or that you should homeschool, or that I will never homeschool. I am just describing MY experience. I am not judging; Lord, knows I am in no place to do that.
But I would love to hear your honest responses. So please leave me a comment.

~cheryl~