I Was Shown Mercy

God created the world out of nothing, 

and as long as we are nothing, 

He can make something out of us. 

Martin Luther

The thoughts keep swirling in my mind. In and out, in and out. 
I stop to get my middle daughter a drink. I stop to pick up my son and squeeze him tight. I stop to fold some laundry and laugh at my oldest daughter when she says, "I am a business person and I have lots of work to do." Ok, Saige, you're hilarious. 
But then the thoughts are there again. Purpose. What am I doing? I cannot stop thinking about the purpose of my life, this blog, the purpose of what God is doing in my heart. I feel a nudging. I have felt it for the past 3 months. God calling me to trust Him for bigger things. It's part of the journey I am on. It's part of where God has been leading me and it's only in hindsight that I see any of it.
Like anyone else, I have always wanted a purpose, a clear objective in life. As a believer, I know that I am part of a bigger plan, that my life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. And I recognize that as a mother, raising my kids to honor God is of utmost importance. 
I have always been a passionate person and I want to be used. I want to be stretched. I don't want to live a mediocre life. I want to love boldly and live out loud. I want Christ to be known because of what He has done in my life. I want Him to be known in a real life-altering way. I want other women to know Him with every fiber of their being and not just on Sundays. When my life here is through, I want to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
This is also probably one of the first times in my life that I don't want to manipulate my circumstances to get my foot in the door.
You see, in college, I wanted to be a missionary. I was going to change the world because I was awesome (because in case you didn't know I have a little tiger blood). I wanted to learn a foreign language, raise money, go somewhere exotic, tell people about Jesus, meet my husband, get married and start a family. I had it all planned out in a neat little Christian package. 
God had other plans. 
His plans involved humbling this proud heart. Every attempt I made to go overseas fell through. I mean every time.  And I can remember my husband, fiancee at the time, telling me, why do you think God wants you to go overseas to love people when you can't even love the ones here. The ones in my own community. That stung. It cut straight to my pride and I knew he was right. He wasn't saying that no one needs to go overseas, he was challenging me to look at why I was wanting to go. He knew that I wanted to do it because I had a romantic notion of it. He could see that I thought God was more real to those that went abroad. And he wanted me to see that God is interested in my heart. Have I told you how thankful that I am for that man?
Fast forward 5 years. We had were married, moved back from Vancouver and were wanting to start a family. Then I learned, that our church at the time, was sending a small group of women to Nicaragua and I thought this is my chance before I get pregnant. This was my chance to go and do great things for God. The next week, the little stick showed positive. I was overjoyed because we had in fact been trying but I could no longer go on the mission trip and I was sorely disappointed. And I thought to myself, "well of course you're not going, God is holding you back." I went on our ladies women's retreat shortly after that and during the morning of reflection time, I had it out with God - a throw down with Him. I can remember thinking/praying, why am I pretending that we're close because I'm obviously not "getting" You. He graciously showed me that I was in fact angry at Him. That I resented Him for not letting me do these great, adventurous things for Him. He showed me the lie that I was believing, just like Eve - that he was withholding from me. I was humbled because He revealed to me my ugly, selfish heart. He didn't need me to save anyone. He has already done that (Romans 6:9-11). He wanted my whole life not just my best intentions.


So the journey that I have already started to write about, is the journey I am on now. The stripping away. The dying to self. The outpouring of mercy in my life. God has been using my journey of motherhood to reveal my need for him. He is showing me that I need to love those that He has placed before me with a radical love and live for Christ right here and now. I would say yes to following Him anywhere but now I recognize that His ways are higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:8-9) and I am trusting Him in that. He wants my entire heart and soul. He is showing me that while I am still a sinner in need of grace, that he is not done with me yet (Philippians 1:6). And the words of Paul have honestly never met more to me than they do right now:

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life." 1 Timothy 14-16

I don't presume to think that I have much to offer. I don't think I have anything to say that hasn't already been said. There are thousands of women who love Jesus and are far better at leading women to the heart of God than myself. But I do know one thing. It is out of obedience that I am writing. It is from a place of necessity that I share. This blog serves as a reminder to me and to others that my God is a God of the impossible. He has and continues to do a mighty work in my life. So I will say with the writer of Psalm 77:

"I will remember the deeds of the LORD;

yes, I will remember your wonders of old.

I will ponder all your work,

and meditate on your mighty deeds" (vs 11-12).

~cheryl~